While There's Time, There's Hope

Dreams. Living. Calling. Stop.
Wishing. Regrets. Pain. Stop.
Tears. Bruises. Scars. Stop.
But. I. Just. Can't. Stop.

I DON'T KNOW!!!

This is the third draft, the third attempt to do this blog. I have no dreams except ones that are falling apart and morphing into something else entirely. I used to think that after school I would marry my boyfriend, raise children and live happily ever after. I used to think that school would be simple and require minimal effort like high school. I thought so many things.
Now my boyfriend hasn't called me in three weeks. School is stressful, confusing, and great all at the same time. I used to have a keyboard, a place that relieved my stress anytime of day or night. Now I have a piano with a low G that sticks, a flat A, and pedals that don't work that I am only allowed to play from 10 AM to 10 PM. I used to get paid every night I worked, always having cash on hand. Now I had I to postpone a Wal-Mart trip so that I could transfer money from my savings to checking account. I used to be able to walk up to my mom or sister or boyfriend and just ask them to hold me, and they would. Now I'm starved for a real hug from a close friend in a way I never thought would be possible.
Dreams are lies! They are deceivers. They promise hope and leave you with tears and scars. They are over-rated. People waste their lives, spending time on money and money on people and people on time. It is a sick cycle that perpetuates and escalates. Then you die. And your dreams laugh as you slip away.
So how can I cling to something I cannot bring to fruition? Why chase something that can never be tamed? I am not alive when I eat and drink and make merry. I am alive in suffering and pain. Discomfort and hunger remind me of life's preciousness. It is when a man nears death that he realizes how much he loves his life. Heartache and disease makes him appreciate his health. When comfort is made an idol, it claims a new name: laziness.
I tend to be lazy. I think we all do. We like comfort. Why shouldn't we? We can afford it.
I want a life bigger than that. Of course I would prefer comfort and peace. But the cost is just too great. Jesus said that whoever does not pick up his cross and follow Him is not worthy of Him. When I picture a cross, I don't label it "comfort".
So I don't have a dream, except this: something painful. I don't need to seek suffering to find it. But whenever suffering does come, and I am up against it, I will not fear it and back down. If it is worth living for, it is worth dying for. And so long as there is time, there is hope.