I suggest you read the linked blog post before reading mine...it will make more sense.
http://theartinlife.wordpress.com/2013/07/22/my-husband-is-not-my-soul-mate/
This is exactly how I feel. 11 days before my own 1st wedding anniversary, I know that God did NOT orchestrate events so that my husband and I would get married. He loves us as individuals and blessed our union, but becoming husband and wife was our choice, not a cosmically divined event. Like the author of this article, I like it better that way because I know that the way I choose to live with and love my husband is my responsibility. If and when there are arguments and fights and stress and bitterness and hurt and healing, all of those things are our responsibility and we cannot blame God for whatever hardships we face.
"The One" is a myth that, at worst, leads to disappointment; rationalization of pre-marital entanglement of the emotional and physical kind; disillusioned, desparate, depressed Christian singles who don't understand why God has not given them a spouse yet; and poorly matched couples who stay together and get married because "God told them to," leading to a more-difficult-than-average marriage and the high Christian divorce rate (just perhaps! I have no research to support my guess). At best, a person who waits for "the one" does gets married eventually and happily and doesn't regret anything about their life, or they stay happily single, serving God and others. It seems to me, though, that most people imagine raising their own family...and kissing dating good-bye when you're 18 isn't ideal for finding a spouse and having children at the time of optimal fertility.
One thing that really got to me as I was thinking about and mulling over whether or not I want to raise my own children to "kiss dating good-bye," was a challenge to do the math. For example, let's say a couple (assume they were born in the same year) has a child when they are 34. When the child graduates high school at 18, his parents will be 52. Add four years (at least) for college graduation. Now, as that young man is graduating from college, his parents are 56. Now, the parents believe that before their kids can get married, they must have a strong career. They threaten to withdraw emotional support if their son marries his girlfriend, whom he has been dating for three years and they've been talking about getting married since their junior year in college. Being Christians, they know that they cannot have a sexual relationship until they get married, and they are in love and want to be married, but their parents (her parents also refuse to support a wedding before she has a career) won't allow it...even though they're grown adults. They sin sexually and endure shame and the girlfriend begins to be depressed and now the young man doesn't know what to do. When they finally receive the go-ahead to get married, they are 30 years old and carry so much emotional baggage that it takes a few years of counseling for them to forgive themselves, each other, and their parents. Refreshed and ready to go, they start trying to have a family, but discover that the wife has enormous difficulty conceiving. They weren't told that 90% of a woman's egg supply is gone by the time she reaches the age of 30, not to mention the fact that she was on birth control for the past 9 years before they got married. When they finally, joyously, have their first child, they are 36 and the husband's parents are 70 years old.
70 years old! Now imagine that the very first couple had married and started having kids when they finished college at the age of 22. Their first child would have graduated high school when his parents were 40. And if that first child had been bold enough to marry because he knew he loved his girlfriend and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and she felt the same way, they may not have had so much difficulty having their first child at the age of 24. The new grandparents are not 70 years old, but 46 years old! (Add 4 years for college and 2 years of newlywed/getting settled.) Imagine the difference the grandparents will be able to make in their kids' and grandkids' lives. They have 24 more years to play and romp and impart wisdom than the new grandparents who are 70 years old.
I was blessed with grandparents and even great-grandparents because (not entirely on purpose), the math of my family ended up more like the second example than the first one. Please don't misquote me - children are blessing no matter how old their parents are. Period, hands down, no discussion required. And marriage is a beautiful thing no matter how old the bride and groom are.
But why WAIT? If a couple are in love and want to be married and are of maturity (rather than of age...some 40-year-olds aren't mature enough to get married, and some 18-year-olds are)...why put it off? And more importantly, why put yourself in danger of sinning against the God of heaven? I know some people will say, "You shouldn't just get married so you can have sex! It should be deeper than that!" No offense, but if you think that your relationship can be deeper than sex, you haven't had it before. (And if you aren't married - that's GOOD!) No one in their right minds gets married "just to have sex." It takes a LOT of work to put together the kind of wedding that most brides want, and ain't no one gonna go through that who isn't expecting to be married for their whole life. Therefore, any couple who wants to get married is considering things besides their sexual relationship. Especially Christian couples, to whom I am speaking. What I am saying is that if a couple is attracted to each other and loves each other and wants to have a family together, they will want to have sex with each other. WHY (if you are of maturity) place yourself and your boy/girlfriend in the compromising situation of wanting and dreaming and LONGING to be married for 3, 4, 5 years before you actually tie the knot? I understand apprehension about juggling marriage and school, I've had to deal, and I still am dealing, with it myself. But studies show that married college students do better than their single counterparts. I've seen it be true in my own life - my gpa was higher the last two semesters since I got married. In this way, it's similiar to a common prejudice against student athletes, who are the students with the busiest schedules and, often, some of the highest grades. And even after college is often considered "too young" to get married. Maybe people don't realize just how cheaply you can live and just how much money you can earn when you're willing to do whatever it takes to support a family.
I realize that I digress...quite a bit. This is just something I feel strongly about because of my life experience. Others will feel strongly about disagreeing with me and that's okay with me. I really don't need everyone to think I'm right. I'm sure my perspective is very skewed, especially on an emotional topic like this. I don't mean to criticize people whose lives have played out differently than mine.
I just want to tell the people who picture their lives as a cartoon, imagining their protagonist partner dropping in on them like Aladdin and Jasmine or something silly like that. If you don't want to be single, make it apparent on the outside, how you look. Girls, put on makeup and take time to choose a cute and modest wardrobe (vs t-shirt and athletic shorts every day). Guys, shower and put on deoderant. Comb your hair. Don't just be attractive (adjective - describes you), be ATTRACTIBLE (adverb - describes what you do). Make friends - as many friends as your personality can handle - and be yourself with them. Relax and be honest about who you are because you are special and no one else can offer exactly what you have to offer. Don't pretend to be someone you're not to attract someone you like - remember, you're dating to get married, and you don't want to be someone else forever - you want to be YOU! I never thought I'd marry someone who likes to play video games like I do. It is a geeky thing I never grew out of - I enjoy playing MarioKart or turning on my Game Boy Color or plugging in the N64 for some Zelda every once in a while. I was embarrassed about that when I first starting meeting people at college, but I discovered that when I was honest and open, people tended to like me more! And the best part was, I liked myself more. When I was honest about not liking scary movies and admitted that I like to cuddle with stuffed animals, I became more confident in myself. My friends happened to accept me even with this silly quirks...if others don't, I don't care! There are others and you DON'T have to be friends with everyone. It is okay to have acquaintences with whom you share a few memories, but didn't gel well with you, so you moved on. A perfect example is a girl I knew and saw often my freshman year of college. And though we had two classes together and saw each other everyday, we didn't become close friends because our personalities are polar opposites. She made other friends, and when the year ended we went our separate ways.
Let go of the perfection delusion. There is no reason to stress yourself out trying to be exactly the way you think everyone else wants/expects you to be. Relax a little and be yourself. If you find your self-worth in what you do and accomplish or who your friends are, you will be disappointed. Christians seek their self-worth in Jesus because His love is perfect and never ever changes or lets you down. If you aren't a Christian, you can still make good life choices and be a confident person with attractability.
And remember, God loves you and He wants the best for you. But he also gave you a brain, a discerning spirit, and wise counsel so you can make your own choices, and so that they can be good choices. Consider carefully when you look for a spouse, but be careful of extreme scrutiny. Give second chances, but don't be emotionally insecure enough to allow someone to walk on you. And finally, take everything you hear with a grain of salt, including what I just wrote.
God bless you all!
